Feeling jealous…..

I wasn’t sure how to really say this, but I KNOW I am not alone, at least among other special needs families.

As much as I can skip over political posts and swearing and pictures I don’t care to see or posts that just don’t strike my fancy.. i can skip over- no big deal. 

Want to know what gets me? What trips me up?  People posting selfies of them with their date and saying date night… And some stating they get to be away alone overnight….and some of these people post monthly or at least several times a year…. 

It has been 4 1/2 years since Mark and I got away alone over night. We haven’t had an evening date in years. We have had some keep a few kids. At the most 2 hours… I realize my crew is a lot to handle. But many have asked how they can help… And while I KNOW it is asking a lot. I dream of getting away with Mark. 

This coming week we have a friend who is willing to come be Isaac’s buddy on a day that he has no school but others do have school. He will love that! So will our friend!!! She is an amazing lady who knows how to work with kids like Isaac. But the thing is– she is busy, very busy. And she still agreed to do this for us. That means A LOT to me. The step past lip service. To being the hands and feet! In the weeks prior to Christmas many stepped up to help meet needs, boots, coats, Christmas gifts. I am so thankful for those people who helped that way! So while my comments about seeing other people on dates… While this sounds selfish of me. It is one of the many emotions I struggle with. I have glimpses of guilt that I feel that way. Or that my family is a burden to some. I feel grief from time to time in the most unexpected ways….. Like today when Jonathan stated a whole paragraph to me and I understood every word- not all correct but considering how far behind he used to be, to see that- joy! But then seeing him read and seeing him at Will’s level if not surpassing William… That feels like a sucker punch. Joy on the one hand, sadness on the other…

I haven’t gotten much quality sleep lately. But through it all… I never would trade my kids. ( loan them out for short term breaks;)!!!!!) And my, well… everything gets messed up when we hit these severely messed up sleep spells… I feel like I focus on what I can’t have instead of being grateful for what I do have…. Today I took an hour nap. Today I finally got the summer clothes put in bins and Mark lugged them to the basement… I have been trying to stay on task with my flylady jobs and routine… In spite of complete exhaustion, life doesn’t just stop. 

We grab a lunch out when we can. While the kids are at school… Evenings and weekends and snow days can be really tough. And the thing tonight that helped me past my glimmer of jealousy… I love my husband and want to spend time with him , and he with me … I think that is a pretty cool thing!! I am also reminded by many of my other friends that we are not alone in our struggle… Many other special needs families are desperately in need of a break. A serious break.

I am trying to carve out a whole day with NO appointments that I can hope to schedule a hair cut ( gift certificate) and a massage ( gift certificate) and roam aimlessly around several goodwill or salvation army stores for new to me treasures…. 

I am looking for a day to take- for me. For my mental well being. It will come. As will a weekend or night away with my hubby. It is likely to be many years.. Isaac will never live independently. So affording quality capable help isn’t likely to get easier… But in the midst of exhaustion, jealousy, and other emotions…. I have hope. Because of Jesus and the strength and grace HE alone provides do I face each day….

So- to those of you who have shared date pictures. My goal was NOT to make you feel bad. I am happy for you- I truly am!! But my emotions get me at times…..
Blessings from 

~ one tired momma

One thought on “Feeling jealous…..

  1. Kathy I too get tired of those types of posts. I get where you are coming from but not because I have a special needs child. I’ll be glad to share why those types of posts get to me personally; not socially.

    Like

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