Grief surfaces again

So very bittersweet…. Parent teacher conferences. They were way more fun when we homeschooled! I could just talk to myself;)

I am grateful for the teachers and staff I met with today regarding our youngest 2. Jonathan is loving 1st grade. He is doing well. We continue to deal with his bowel issues but things are improving. To see his face light up when he talks about school!! He is a funny, smart, kind, goofball!!!! 

William is in 2nd grade. He has had a rocky year so far. His behaviors have become quite noticable and multiple times needed interventions. He has been physicaly destructive, and his apparent anxiety is off the charts. He too is smart in many ways, sweet, kind, and a precious gift! 

Then you catch a moment that blows us away… He is a fabulous helper. And if the teacher can figure him out( not that WE have him figured out….) Things go better but still very far from great.

We have been in process for the 3 year eval…. It was done early due to them seeing an increase in his behaviors and realizing that his diagnosis needed to change and additional supports need to put into place.

I am well aware that my son has autism. Trust me, I live with him. I see his struggles. But when the reality of that sneaks up and punches you in the gut…. I ended up walking out of the meeting ( at the end- don’t worry!) And I had this oozing sense of grief. Realizing what is lost. Seeing Jonathan surpass William in many areas. Seeing loving, caring teachers, staff go out of their way to reach my kids. My family. 

My heart was full of the many joyful things. Yet heavy. One of the teachers said– with everything you have going on– how are you laughing and smiling. 

I simply replied- it’s not me- it’s all God. 

Yes. I am well aware that I am amazingly blessed with 7 unique and special gifts I call my children. But every so often the weight of their diagnosises catch up with me. I am regularly brought to my knees in tears and prayer to face each day. Sometimes I can handle so much ‘stuff’. Other days… I feel sucker punched by life. 

I held back tears as I redirected kids in the midst of meltdowns, as my heart aches at the thought of my child harming someone else’s child unintentionally but while they are having a meltdown…

I held back tears while the kids joking behavior escalated and physical aggression must be redirected and intercepted NOW. 

I held back tears when I see all that we have been blessed with, the many who care and love my family. And I held back tears realizing how much need we still have- knowing Who will provide and carry us. 
My God alone carried me. Ok…. And some caffeine, some meds for depression and anxiety… And chocolate. 

Is it time to cry yet?? One can only hold it in so long…. 

Tonight also was a reminder of the severity of Isaac’s needs…. I cut his hair, shaved his face, helped him shower, helped him dress ( needs help after showers but otherwise can dress himself), cut his toe nails, cut his finger nails, put lotion on his face to help it not break out in a miserable rash…. Help him with everyday hygiene issues.  He is 14. He is the size of a grown man… Taller than Mark. But needs my help.

The road won’t suddenly change when he ” graduates” and goes off to college. Isaac is not on the path to graduation. He will likely qualify for school until age 26 through his current school. They also do work programs.

But at what point does it become more than we can physically and mentally and emotionally handle…. I realize this is our life- yet the sting of it sneaks up on me… Today is just one of those days. Struggling to process a whole lot of grief and what is lost. Thankful for what we have but the sting of what is lost is raging today….
Tears flowing. Ready for rest, thankful for HOPE. My hope is in Jesus.
~one tired momma

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