Broken and Unwanted 

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post, so please forgive me if I’m a bit rusty. 

I titled this post “Broken and Unwanted” because those are the two words that pop into my head when I think about the last few months of my life. And before we go any further, let me say that this has nothing to do with being unwanted by family or by God. I’m well aware of my worth in their eyes. I knew that would be the first comment someone would make, so I wanted to clear that up right from the beginning. 

No, what I am talking about stems from my search for purpose and a place to fit in. It started with my search for a part time job. Just something a few days a week to get me feeling somewhat useful and feel like I’m helping provide for my family. Plus, living off of what we get for my disability is not cutting it. AND, the federal government decided it was a good time to take another $215 out of that amount every month to repay a student loan that should be forgiven due to my disability! So, I was really hoping to find a way to contribute and help out my family. 

It seems nowhere I checked into a job was wanting to hire me. Even though I was more than qualified for each position… It’s those darn interviews that get me! See, I know I don’t need to share with employers my PTSD and anxiety, but it isn’t something I can hide. Trying to explain why I haven’t worked in almost 7 years, or why I left my last job becomes tricky. Especially when I’m tripping over my words and shaking like a leaf on a windy day. It makes it hard to impress potential employers with all that going on! 

So, I feel broken. Not able to function in society or even in my family like I used to. And I feel unwanted. Like a toy that was really cool when you first got it, but it’s broken now so it just gets pushed aside. I wish there were a job out there that fit me where I am in life right now, instead of me trying to change to fit the job. Does that make any sense? 

Thanks for reading and enduring my ramblings… I hope you are doing well wherever you may be in life. Take care.

-mark 

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