As Mark has shared, there have been several significantly traumatic events in his life. And while I was by his side through it all, I didn’t face the emotions he felt. I do however, feel my own feelings. I know… That is a totally novel concept 🙂
God has allowed us to walk these paths for a reason. Over the years I was condemned for having so many kids, disciplining too much/ too little, that I was the cause of my kids behaviors, that I was too enabling and that I caused Mark to not heal… I have been told that I needed to be tougher on him. I really get tired of hearing how everyone else would do something in MY shoes when they have never walked in these shoes, with all that we have to consider when making decisions…
Almost 6 years ago I was 7+ months pregnant with Jonathan… Mark had been gone ALL DAY LONG. He went in early…. We took him lunch- he couldn’t even sit in the van with the kids and me to eat it- no time… He called me after I had the kids in bed, it was a little after 9… He was still talking to the police… I went from ok, he is ok or the officer would have called me… To seeing him shaking nonstop when he got home…. To seeing him be made fun of for struggling with anxiety/ fear. To hear family/ friends tell him to get over it…. I was stuck going to others- trying to get help, but being told HE had to ask for help if he wanted any… He could not in any way ask for help at that time- I was his voice… But no one was listening.
I sat up nights while he cried through nightmares and couldn’t wake up…. Then when he did he felt even worse that he’d woken me up.
3 years ago he was hospitalized several times over the summer, the kids had chicken pox that summer…. I had off and on support. But in many cases I was told to get over it. And he needed to get over the anxiety and depression and PTSD and move on…
1 year ago when I watched them wheel my husband away I left the hospital alone- I headed home to take care of kids. There wasn’t time for me to process what was occuring.
Today- while I have not been in Mark’s shoes. I held his hand and walked along side him in my own shoes…
There are a few rare treasures I can be completely honest with. I have not stopped loving my husband. I have had to face grief, losing part of my husband. We had our second child diagnosed with autism in the past few years… There is grief with that.
The emotional and physical and mental toll has been more than I ever thought I’d face. But God has proven Himself provider to meet all my needs each and every moment.
Does that mean that my struggles are unimportant? No. God cares!
Does that mean that I am some kind of amazingly strong person and surely when I ask for help or state my need that I don’t truely nees anything???
I have stated that I struggle with my own physical and mental health issues. God has carried me- but- I think that He has allowed so much to keep me on my knees with my eyes on Him. I still struggle. I need breaks and I need help. I have to fight for what several of my kids need. I have to fight against so much each day.
I wake each day- rarely with anywhere near a full nights sleep- not knowing what level of care my loved ones need. I set aside my own pain, my own feelings and wants, my me time, i focus on others. Because their needs seem to be my job. As is taking care of me. Sad thing is- there isn’t time, energy or money for me time.
I had to cancel a play date at a park with a friend because I was so exhausted and in so much pain….
I’m not sure if what I wrote has a point or if it is stuff I just needed to say….. thanks for listening