Missing “family”….

Struggling tonight- i wish we could watch a movie , play a game, eat a meal…. Do anything as a family without all the chaos, screaming, hurtful words and drama….Sad watching one kid miss out because someone else is struggling… 

As a parent- I’m tired of being so incredibly exhausted that normal daily life is painful for me.

Meal prep, staying awake, laundry, groceries, menu, and so on…. Mark does soooo much- if you only knew all he does at home.

But still there is much for me to do and a lot of emotional energy is expended dealing with kids with special needs.

That is difficult for the other kids- having a sibling that is always angry, screaming mean hurtful/ hate filled things…. 

My point is this. As much as we push to help others and we reach out to help as often as we can…. We need help too.

I cannot maintain the strong routine they need and maintain the home.

But since that appears to be my only option. I take it head on- prayerfully I face each day. Each moment of the day.

And when i say I am exhausted…. I can’t find the words to express the depth of my exhaustion….. It hurts. Hurts to get out of bed, to get up. I spend 3 hours (6-9) dealing with kids and helping get them ready and off to school. Dealing with meltdowns because I don’t have what they want for breakfast or for a snack…

All the whine I am so tired that I drift off while they are talking to me… This is a daily occurrence…. 

It hurts to lift my arms to do simple daily chores. Making a meal. Something I love doing- is incredibly difficult. But obviously my precious children need fed- so I work at juggling them and their needs and meal prep…. I miss quality time with my kids.

If I sit to play a game with 1-2…. Then the others are vying for attention and taking away from the others. Some choose to do this, others are unaware of their behaviors.

When you parent special needs kids your life is even moreso not your own. I laid down today because Jonathan needed a short nap- only way to do that was- watch some tv, he fell asleep quickly. But I was on the phone…. Then when done with that- was so exhaused– i thought I will just rest a bit…. A bathroom was covered with soap, lotion, and more. And the kitchen was trashed. Lucas stepped up and cleaned that up- calmly and without attitude or attempting praise. He also helped redirect Isaac. He could tell mom was exhausted. 

I wasn’t just sitting around wasting time and ignoring kids.  I struggle with my own serious health issues. Extreme exhaustion is a big piece. I also push through that and pain daily to do what needs done…. But I have pushed for so long and I’m weary….

Hugs from faithful far away friends today was a blessing. Hugs from friends that live nearby but we don’t see as often anymore was also a blessing.

But how do I face each day?? I cry. A lot. The things I go through each day- if I could chose to avoid 1 thing it would be the emotional energy drain that one child in particular outs forth. But that isn’t an option.

So: have you ever been so exhausted that life seemed to be too much? What did you do to reenergize yourself? What self care tips have worked for you that you would like to share with me?

I have many ideas but can’t do them and everything else.:) 

If nothing else- 

1) remember that God is there ready to be your salvation and your strength.

2) i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Blessings because of HIM,

Kathleen

5 thoughts on “Missing “family”….

  1. I can relate to a lot of this. As simple as this is, a scheduled bedtime has helped me to get rest and re energize. At 9 pm my kids go to bed whether they are sleepy or not. It allows me to just sit, relax, think, read, pray, spend time with my husband or just do nothing at all.
    My prayers to you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂 funny thing is- it is not simple.
      We have been following a bedtime routine for over 15 years! By the time we stagger bedtimes based on age or need there is routinely an older kid still up and those late night chats happen. Or they simply need to watch the baseball game with us to be with us without the younger kids.
      With 2 with autism we have a few nights they settle in well. Isaac has been interested in staying up later (13 yrs old) but we try to keep him on his routine since he doesn’t self entertain well and make good choices- flooding the bathroom, soap messes, and more…
      This week we had multiple unplanned evening things. School activities, surprise ER visits.
      There are nights that after really strained interactions with one of our children I am so on edge I struggle to relax and struggle to decompress….

      I get it. I know it is simple. We attempt it daily. There are nights we do all we can to get everyone settled in by that time…. But by midnight Isaac ( age 13, has autism) could be up and we have to work with him to get him resettled.

      I so crave an evening date with Mark. Someone else to come in and deal with dinner, Evening behaviors and bedtime….
      I dream of getting away a few nights/ days with Mark just to catch our breath and rest and renew ourselves.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That has GOT to be difficult. I wrote a post about the website care.com. It actually did save my marriage. I had to do something so I took a chance, stepped out on faith and hired someone who comes every 2 weeks. We look forward to the date nights. It helps so much! I pray that you are able to get an evening to yourselves soon! I also plan a vacation for just my husband and I every summer. It’s a sacrifice but I do it because I’m trying to keep this family together! Hugs and prayers from me to you.

        Like

  2. Kathleen,

    I will not pretend to know what you are going through. It sounds like a real struggle on a daily basis for you and your family. I have been in difficult stressful situations with PTSD and with caring for a dying friend in which I can relate to many of the feelings that you shared. None-the-less I cannot imagine what you are going through. What I do know from my experiences though is that it always helped to talk, to cry when needed, and to enjoy the simple things in life. I have been praying for you for about an hour now since I first read your post and the thing that I keep sensing to say is that you and Mark are not failures by any means, you are super heros to your children. But as a super hero does you try to make everything perfect when the reality is that perfection is a moving scale. Somedays perfect might mean getting a nap in during the afternoon, somedays it might mean getting five minutes alone with one another, and other days it might mean getting a couple of hours of sleep before doing it all over again. Your responsibility is not to create perfect, but to do the best you can with what you have been given. God loves you and your family and He will provide but it might look different than perfect. If this is off base please feel free to delete my comment, you will not hurt my feelings at all, but this is what I felt God was saying to me as I was praying.

    God bless you and your family. You are loved and cared for by a God who sees all the love that you pour out for your children every day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your prayers. And believe it or not… I have improved on the perfection thing! Well, maybe I should say declined?! Lol
      Having kids with special needs totally change your way of life! But since I love them all so much – it has been worth it!
      I appreciate the reminder that I need to hear- that we are not failures.
      God Bless you!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s